so frustrated.

some people say I'm lost in life. that I haven't any direction and I'm confused. I've always been the girl with the crazy dreams and high expectations for me and my life. "okay" isn't good enough. "good" isn't good enough. and I'm not trying to chase after perfection, although, I do find myself doing that quite often. I know what I want. I know. and I always have. so, why does everyone see something different? 

I started to believe, that indeed, I am lost. what am I going to do with my life? there have been far too many nights crying myself to sleep, and mentally trying to piece my life together to the point that my head hurt. I would wake up, my eyes all puffy and swollen, and look at myself in the mirror. I don't know what I was trying to see. Perhaps I wanted to see a girl who had just awakened from some dreadful nightmare. I wanted to see the girl I've dreamed of becoming. Instead, I saw a girl who thought she was broken and who was lost. But, I realize now, that I wasn't really lost. Broken, yes. I do remember feeling broken. But not lost. 

I have known for years what I want. I know. Not just desire. It's something I know. It's a feeling I've never had before and something I couldn't describe even if I tried. And some people think I'm crazy, and I don't really tell anyone anymore. I don't care to tell them. I hate the disbelief in their voices and the doubt in their eyes. I guess it makes it all the more rewarding to prove them wrong, yes? 

It's not being confused with my life. It's simply feeling the incompetency to reach my dream. I am so frustrated right now. There are things holding me back, and I don't understand why I can't conquer them. They are, indeed, conquerable. It's the inadequacy that I'm struggling with. Why is it so hard for me to grasp certain things? Why? It's maddening. Because inside I know I can. I feel like there's this bubble inside me and it's wanting to explode, but it never does. If I am not any nearer to my dreams at age 20, I 'm afraid you'll have to send me to a mental hospital because I am becoming, essentially, insane.

I know what I want. don't mess with me.

KATHRYN.