the moment...

...when you feel free and light as a feather - oh, i could fly right now.

(because the heaviness in my heart has left).

oh, please can we still be like this? it's just so classy, i'm gonna die!!

Fred & Ginger - "They Can't Take That Away From Me" (1949)

xx's.

KATHRYN.

no. 1

don't be afraid to cry.

if you are a stubborn girl like me who says she's too brave to cry, shut yourself up & pull out your mouchoirs & let the tears fall. even brave people cry, it's alright. John 11:35.

KATHRYN.

"'I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!'"

no one ever told me how painful this would be.

i thought it would be simple. i didn't prepare myself for this feeling of loneliness. i feel intensely alone. no one ever told me i'd feel this way. so lost, so confused, i'm not sure who i am anymore - or who i want to be.

i used to be so curious about everything and i would go on crazy adventures to those curiosities.

i've given up now. i simply don't care anymore. i am tired of searching and looking for answers. i was sure only two months ago - what changed? why the hell did i let myself do this?

perhaps my search is over and i've found the answer, but i am not accepting the answer? everyone is telling me my answer is otherwise, and that i don't know anything. perhaps, perhaps not. i did feel fully confident with the answer only just two months ago. so why do i keep letting myself do this?

i want so awfully bad to be accepted by everyone in my life, and i'm afraid i'm letting myself give up on my thoughts, ideas and feelings for them.

it's ironic... i'm willing to throw myself away to have myself accepted? if i rid of who i am, what is left to be accepted?

nothing, yes?

so i am contradicting myself.

the question is this...

am i willing to lose who i am to be loved and accepted?

or

do i remain true and learn to be lonely?

“She ran into the icy water and stood there, holding herself against the waves with her arms outstretched, just laughing.”

“David Yates’s most vivid memory of Emma is watching her suddenly let go of her steely professionalism and for once just be young and free. They were filming a death scene from Hallows Part 1 on a freezing-cold beach in Wales. The actors were miserable, especially Emma, who hates the cold and dislikes getting wet even more. But out of nowhere, he recalls, “She ran into the icy water and stood there, holding herself against the waves with her arms outstretched, just laughing.” In that brief moment he got a sense of what it must be like to have a multibillion-dollar industry dependent on your every move and be only nineteen years old.” 

she is lovely, isn't she?